Dear sir,
I am writing to you at this time to request a refund on my
THIGH MASTER 9000 Super Deluxe Toaster Oven and Bun Warmer®.
In your solicitation you suggested that this device was the only way to
strengthen my thighs and give me back that YOUTHFUL GLOW that
comes from having Slender, silky smooth thighs while also doing an
excellent job of keeping my POP Tarts warm.
I did as the instructions told me, First I smeared the provided
LOVE LATHER all over the thigh extender, then placed the warmer
unit under the simulated genuine Corinthian leather saddle. After the
saddle reached operating temperature I proceeded to turn the external
retainer mechanism in a counter clockwise direction until the saddle
was level with the automatic thigh kneader. At this point, all was well.
It was AFTER I put my POP Tarts in the combination Toaster Oven/Bun
Warmer that things began to go wrong. As I turned the timer dial to the
POP Tart setting, the LOVE LATHER that I had already placed on
the thigh extender started to smoke....at first I thought that this was all
a part of this wonderful devices many useful features, But the stench
soon convinced me otherwise.....and then my smoke detector went off.
During the confusion while trying to turn off my THIGH MASTER
9000, I accidentally turned on the Swedish Fingers® magic massage
unit. When the THIGH MASTER started to vibrate violently, the
POP Tarts fell from the special POP Tart holder tray onto the heating
elements below. The subsequent electrical short apparently caused
the THIGH MASTERS electronic control unit to overload, the device
started to alternate rapidly between its fully extended position and its
SPACE SAVER© stow away mode. Needless to say things were
beginning to get out of hand. I stood and watched in horror as the
machine shook, smoked, collapsed and extended itself at a manic rate.
The racket that was coming from the machine was enough to make my
neighbor believe that I was being attacked by some noisy lunatic with a
thrashing machine, and subsequently call the local police.
By now I was at my wits end. I was frantically trying to find a way to
disarm this hardware gone haywire, when the thrashing machine caught
on my robe and proceeded to remove it from me and chew it into shreds
as I tried to wrestle free. NOW THE POLICE FORCIBLY ENTER my
home, under the pretense of saving my life from what ever horror they
could only imagine thanks to my nosy neighbor. The embarrassment I
felt at that moment can not be imagined. The look on the officers face as
I stood there naked over this wildly gyrating, and smoking machine was
etched into my mind as deeply as the gouges etched in my kitchen floor.
I think you will understand when I respectfully request a FULL refund.
Thank You.
Dean Williams©